(horse whinnies, hoof beats)
(sword scraping sheath)
(whooping)
MAN (over microphone): A longtime
D-ball tradition returns
as the Millers defend their title
against the Worthingtons.
How you doing? You ready?
Yeah.
MAN: This is donkey ball, or D-ball
for those in the know.
(whistle blowing)
(snorting)
It's kind of like basketball, except for...
well, the whole donkey thing.
My family's real good at D-ball.
(braying)
It's important for families to have something.
MAN: All right!
Even if it's just donkey ball.
And even if it just happens once a year--
the day after Thanksgiving.
MALE ANNOUNCER: What a pass by Frank to Kenny.
(braying)
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
We're not even at Thanksgiving yet.
I left home three years ago,
and I didn't exactly have my father's blessing.
All my father knows is his son ditched him
and the family business.
I left to find my own way
and ended up writing a book few people care about.
But I don't mind.
I made something.
I feel like a little kid coming home
with a finger painting to show my mom.
She'd put it on the fridge until my dad took it down.
And that would be that.
(tires squealing)
(rap music playing)
(rap music plays)
(tires squeal)
(music stops)
Where's Dad?
What? I'm not good enough?
What, did you just wake up?
Yeah, I did.
You're late. - I know.
Welcome home, bro.
Good to see you.
(engine starts, rap music plays)
# And I'm collecting on the rent #
# Daddy's home #
# But you don't expect a small school tale. Huh? #
# And I'm collecting on the rent... #
(tires squealing)
# Are you done with that image yet, rent's due... #
So where's Dad?
His old dog had another stroke,
and he didn't want to leave him alone.
It's funny. He's got more tumors than brains,
but he just keeps getting up and around.
I'm only hearing about this now because?
Probably afraid you'd bail.
I mean, it's been four years after all. - Three.
Three years. - Whatever.
Well...
my masterpiece.
Hmm.
Think I'll wait for the movie.
# #
So I have this idea. Do you want to hear it?
Not really. - Yeah, you do.
Okay, so we should do a lottery.
We should draw names
to see who we're going to spend Thanksgiving with.
Maybe even take preferences, like smoking or non.
I mean, no grudges, no history, no baggage.
Just food, football, and good, old-fashioned false camaraderie.
We had a good ride as...
as kids?
Would you say that...
we had a happy childhood?
Brian Worthington, are you in therapy?
We're not leaving until you put it on and buckle it.
Mom, it's a Volvo.
I can wait. I've got all day.
I am so humiliated.
What you are is safe.
(ignition clicking)
This is just a wild guess,
but I think you might have left the lights on.
(sighs)
(sighing)
Okay.
Frito-Lay it is.
Going in the big truck.
Oh.
I thought this would be a nice one to start with.
Oh.
(laughs)
Oh. You've been married for 30...?
34 this year.
Oh.
Where's Grandpa?
He's in his workshop, honey, making some contraption.
Disappeared as soon as the photos came out.
(door squeaks open)
Grandpa?
Hey, you.
Did you ever hear of knocking?
It's a barn, Grandpa.
Yeah. Well, I guess you were born in a barn.
Go close the door.
(sighs)
(door squeaking)
What's that for?
It's Grandpa's little helper.
(hooting) Hey, get out of here.
Go watch TV, huh?
(hooting) Out of here.
I got you.
(grunts, roars)
(girl giggles, man roars)
# #
MAN: I got to stop and take a piss.
BRIAN: We're almost home.
Mom's gonna do that whole thing
by the door, and I can't hold it.
# Give me that back, huh? Yeah... #
(horn beeping)
Damn. It's the Worthington boys.
What's up, man?
How you doing? - I'm gonna hit the can.
Go ahead. - Hey, Walker.
Four years, ain't it?
Uh... three years.
Well, I ain't the sharpest
saw on the rack, but I make it four.
You boys are ready for some serious D-Ball?
Yeah. - Yeah?
Yeah. We could play you guys.
Hey, big-time author now, huh?
Geek books.
What, there are, like, midgets in them?
God, I miss this place.
Take it easy.
What's this?
(sighs) Oh, honey.
Let me just keep one of them. You look
so pretty in it.
There.
Well, now you've ripped your arm off.
(hip-hop song playing)
(music stops)
Is this...?
Oh, here they are! - Mom.
Hey, Ma. - Hi.
Oh, my gracious.
Oh, my goodness, is it you?
Yes.
Oh, look at your hair. It's... Mmm!
You look so handsome.
Look at you. Oh, my goodness.
Whatever. - Okay, what can I do for you?
Nothing. - You-You want me to stack?
No. - Let me have your bag.
No, I got it. - Why don't you leave it here, honey?
'Cause you're gonna take it right upstairs.
I have something I want to keep there, and so...
Okay. All right. Straight ahead.
What's up, sis?
Oh. Who is your friend?
Hitchhiker.
Come on. It hasn't been that long.
(laughs) Sit down, honey.
Ta-da!
Nice... cover.
BRIAN: Oh, my God.
What is this?
It's the dreaded family photo album.
A disturbing documentary years in the making.
Here you are.
I can't believe what a dork I was.
Uh-oh.
Revenge of the conehead.
Hey! - Oh! - Oh!
Buddy. - Oh, my little...
I thought you said the skin problem cleared up, Mom.
Well, Dr. Morrow said we could take it off at our discretion.
Doing a little revisionist history, Erin?
MOM: Yes, sweetheart. Do you want to come in
and say hi to your uncles?
Guess that would make you the mom.
Well, you did marry a dog.
Excuse me?
What?
(mumbles)
I got to get going.
I should get Maddy. I...
No, no, no, no, no. I just got here. What?
It's fine. I need to get going. - What happened?
I didn't do anything. WOMAN: No. It's fine.
Oh, honey, don't.
Thank you for the book, Brian.
Hey.
We're going.
See you at dinner.
(gasps)
Autographed copy.
Is this mine?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, honey, I didn't get you anything.
Adventures in the Electromagnetic...
Spectrum. - Spectrum.
Oh, my goodness.
I'll certainly... have a look at this.
It's okay, Mom.
I don't expect you to read it.
Or anyone else for that matter.
Oh, of course they will.
What you working on?
Nothing much.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
I'm...
I'm between projects right now, so...
Uh-huh, right.
(sighs)
Oh, man, did you catch the Redskins game last week?
Somebody's gotta mind the shop, you know.
We don't have the kind of help
we used to.
Dad, I just wanted to say hi,
so...
So what...
what you got there?
Nothing much.
When, um, when are we going to take Brian
to see Aunt Sharon?
Yeah.
Oh, honey, let's not bother.
Aren't we going to see her on Friday?
I think flowers are perfect for any occasion, don't you?
What, is she sick?
She wasn't really your aunt, you know.
What? Tonight,
on Worthington Family Secrets, we discover
that Aunt Sharon wasn't exactly
who we thought she was.
Was?
Are we here to eat or talk?
I'm thinking daisies.
ERIN: Is she dead? - Aunt Sharon died?
It's not like we saw her
all the time. - Guess we're not going to see her
on Friday. - Was there
a funeral? - Oh, let's not talk
about something so morbid.
What's everybody having?
Uh, prime ribs look pretty good. I'm thinking
maybe the scallops. - What is wrong
with this family? - I've compiled a list,
and let me tell you, things aren't looking too good for you.
I have an idea.
Let's play "What's Kenny going to be when he grows up?"
Can I play?
Not helping. - Whatever.
Have you heard from National Geographic Magazine yet,
Mr. "Photojournalist"?
Yeah.
They want the story on Maddy.
In our bonus round of Worthington Family Secrets,
we reveal to Maddy
that at birth she had a heart transplant... from a baboon.
Well...
I guess it explains a lot.
ERIN: Don't worry, angel.
Uncle Kenny was just having a little fun.
Care for a mint? - Why don't you go get
Mommy a mint?
You little shit.
You have no idea how seriously
they take things like that.
Oh, honey...
please don't.
Let her go. Let her go, Dottie.
Roll?
What?
(Erin groans)
Stupid Kenny. Why do I do anything
for this family?
I hate Thanksgiving.
(groans)
Fine, just get it out of my sight.
Keep it in your room.
Where's the bird?
Erin's holding us hostage with the divorce.
She says if we don't have Thanksgiving
at her place this year,
Maddy's going to wind up in therapy.
(bottle caps clinking)
Two.
Like she has a chance of avoiding that.
Does it help?
What?
Therapy.
I'm not in therapy.
Shh. (dog barks quietly)
Hear that?
It's him.
The ghost of Thanksgiving past.
What's he doing up?
Didn't he just have a stroke?
Yeah, he did have a stroke,
but I think it just slurred his barking.
You know, maybe I should talk to Dad about having him...
put down.
You know what we should do?
We should hire a hit man to take out Argus and Erin's cat.
Get some sort of two-for-one deal.
You know, you should do something.
Seriously, you should.
Yeah, but when I said "we," I meant "you."
Hey,
it's not my fault
that you're the only grown-up in this family.
Maybe you should...
grow up.
Well, you know, Brian, I tried to grow up, but I can't.
It's like being disabled.
How did he get in here? Uh, well, he just, um...
BRIAN and KENNY: He walked in.
By himself.
Hmm, we just can't keep him down.
Brian, would you please take him out?
Did you hear that, Brian?
The nice lady asked you to take him out.
Take him out, Brian.
Take him out.
You have to hold him?
Yeah, you have to.
Otherwise he'll piss all over himself.
And how did they come up with this?
Well, Dad tried
holding him by the back legs, but he tweaked his back.
But... not our problem, right?
(Argus panting)
(whispering): Brian.
Shit.
Kenny, what are you doing?
Me? What the hell are you doing?
Just...
Do you think it's weird that Dad has an empty fish tank?
Shh, shh, shh.
What is it?
(whispering): I don't think he's breathing.
Oh, shit.
They'll think I had something to do with it.
Reboot.
He's all right.
Hey, buddy.
Could you do it?
Do what? - Ice the dog.
I mean, if you were guaranteed that nobody would ever find out.
I don't know.
Maybe I'll talk to Dad.
Thanks for the warning.
MAN (over radio): It's a beautiful Turkey Day.
Get those birds in the oven.
This is WSTKW-- Staunton, Virginia--
bringing you all the news, sports, and weather.
And now, news on the hour.
At the Tri-County Fair...
Come on, come on, come on.
So bring the whole family out
and enjoy the great fall weather.
Tomorrow night, Jimmy-o takes the stage.
You'll want to put on your dan...
Take it easy.
Yeah, easy, easy, easy.
You'd better watch your fingers, Dad. (chuckles)
He'd never hurt a fly.
If you were around more,
you'd know what they call him down at the vet's office.
Mm... the old... - The old
gentleman.
So can I take your car?
I forgot razor blades.
Well, use Kenny's. - Mom said he went out.
(chuckling): You probably don't remember
how to get there.
Yeah, yeah, I've only been going there my whole life.
No, really, uh, I'll have to show you
how to use the new alarm I put on.
Dad.
I'm a technical writer.
I think I can figure out the car alarm.
Good boy.
Mm-hmm.
(whistling)
(Erin yawns) Morning, Mom.
Morning.
Oh, God.
(sighs)
(panting)
(phone ringing, dogs barking)
I'll get it.
I said... - Oh, Frank.
Aah, damn. - Why don't you just let me get it?
I said I'd get it.
I... hello.
ERIN: Ma, you got to help.
I threw Thanksgiving dinner in the dumpster.
What?
I have nothing to cook for us.
("Jingle Bells" playing)
Hi.
Razor blades and sleeping pills.
It can't be that bad.
You don't know my family.
I bet they shop here,
and I bet I can tell you things
about them you don't even know.
Well... that wouldn't be too hard.
So, uh, what do I owe you?
Uh, $9.75,
please.
Well, you guys are going to have Thanksgiving dinner, right?
(register beeping)
(drawer opens) That'll be nice.
And I bet it's a home-cooked meal
and not some turkey in a box or something.
(chuckles)
I'm out of quarters.
Oh... keep the change. I got to go.
I borrowed my dad's car, and he can be
kind of tense about things like that.
Right.
(horn honking)
Is it the one with the lights flashing?
Huh? - The lights.
Oh, shit!
No, no, no, no.
Oh, God, I'm...
Have a nice shave... Brian.
(car alarm blaring)
# I was sick and carsick #
# Back from the thru #
# Now, they tried to save her #
# But they couldn't do it #
# You're a future killer #
Stop!
# You must be made of silver #
# But you're slick and caustic # (alarm continues blaring)
# All thin and plastic #
(alarm continues blaring)
Can you help me shut this thing off?
Keys, Brian.
I tried the keys,
Walker. - I'm sure you did.
Come on.
(sighs)
(electronic chirping, alarm stops)
Have a nice day. (smacks roof)
Dad knows. - Dad knows what?
A neighbor called.
She said she saw you in the parking lot
set off the car alarm and make a scene.
Which would have been fine if Mom had picked up.
But Dad took the call.
And went ballistic.
If you listen, you can still hear the echo.
Where is Dad?
He's around.
What do you think, Arg?
Two-point range, three points or what?
Wait, a fake pass-off?
Watch this, Arg.
Watch this, Argus, baby.
FRANK: What do you think, Arg?
Okay, here we go.
Oh! Short!
How is this, huh?
I'll get it going, okay.
Two points, Argus!
Oh! Short!
Two more!
(groans)
(keys jangling)
Come on, Dad.
About the car... I mean, it was just a...
I've already discussed it with your mother. - Great.
So, what's it going to be, uh, uh...
grounded for the weekend or double chores? - Nope.
I don't want to carry on about it all afternoon.
I don't, either. I just want it out of the way.
Well, I just told you, it is out of the way. - Maybe it isn't.
Maybe it's even more in the way.
Hey, look.
I told your mother I'd let it go.
Now it seems like you're the one
that wants to make a big deal out of it.
Oh, come on, Dad. Tell me you're pissed!
That I took your car!
I took your car, and rub it in
that your... your techie son screwed up the alarm after all!
DOTTIE: Frank! Telephone!
Yeah.
Okay, just be there because I want to get back home.
Gotcha.
That's Clyde.
He blew the fuse in his deep fryer again.
I got to go down to the shop.
It's Thanksgiving.
Yeah. Clyde's got a turkey to cook.
You really don't remember
how we do things around here, do you?
I'll go with you.
No, I can manage.
I know you can.
All right.
# #
You going to close it?
(door creaks shut)
Remember how Erin used to say she wanted to live
in the same house with you guys forever?
Even when she had kids?
(chuckles)
I don't think that'll happen.
You let her believe it,
but you knew she never would.
Well, what do kids know?
Yeah.
(door opening)
Saving my ass again, Frank. Shame it ain't
more to look at, Clyde.
(chuckles)
What you got?
Yeah, I think we got you covered.
Oh, Walker said you were back.
Guess we'll have us a game this year after all.
(chuckles)
That brother-in-law of yours wasn't much at D-ball.
Or here in the shop, for that matter.
My dad was kind of counting on him to... take over.
Don't matter now you're back.
You know this business inside out.
BRIAN: Actually, I'm just back for Thanksgiving.
Well, ain't none of my business.
I guess this don't compare to being a writer anyway.
(chuckles)
Just like my dad says, it's all chopping wood.
You go out to the pile every day and just...
swing the ax.
That's why I don't get stuck like some writers.
No kidding?
This ought to do you.
Plus...
for backup. - Ah.
What's the damage?
Well, we'll settle up later.
Let's just get back to our families.
Appreciate it, Frank.
Take care, Mr. Miller.
You know, this whole thing
would never happen where I live.
Well, that's up to you.
Isn't it?
I don't actually run things where I am.
Yeah, well, I suppose that's as good an excuse as any.
We better be getting back.
We're going to be late for Erin's.
(sighs)
Damn trains haven't run on time since Mussolini.
You know how your sister is.
And she's asked us to pick up a few things.
(sighs)
All right. How much?
900.
For a photography class?
It's a photojournalism class, Mom.
Honey, I love you,
but you are getting too old for this.
(car approaching from distance)
Five bucks she says it in the first three minutes.
Knock it off. - Five bucks.
What's going on back there, Kenneth?
I was talking to Brian, Mommeth.
(country music playing over speakers)
(door opening)
(grunting): That's one...
leave-it-to-us Thanksgiving.
What's in it? - Turkey,
stuffing, cranberries, mashed potatoes, gravy
and yams. - Okay.
It's like a Happy Meal on steroids.
Ooh, is there a toy?
Don't you start.
This is very important to your sister.
I can tell.
She went to so much trouble.
I got it.
Oh... - Can you get it?
Do you want to...? - It's heavy.
How are your kids?
Doing real well, thank you.
Hold this.
CASHIER: I'll see you next week.
See you later. - Okay.
Hello, Allison. - Hey, Dottie.
How are you? - How are you, honey?
I'm good. Nice to see you.
Hi, Kenny. - What's up?
Is this the, uh...
DOTTIE: Oh, that's not for us.
We're just helping out some friends.
Did you know that Brian is home?
Mmm. - He's...
Well, where in the world...?
KENNY: Did you catch his latest?
No. What's it called?
Adventures in the Electromagnetic Spectrum.
Is that like science fiction?
Yeah.
Where do you want this?
In the kitchen.
Turkey in a box.
Dad...
Hi, Mom.
You look pretty today.
Thank you.
You have a lovely home.
ERIN: At least you're here finally.
DOTTIE: What, are we late?
No, it's just... never mind.
It's fine. - What, honey?
No, it's just... nothing.
I don't want to ruin Thanksgiving.
What's that supposed to mean?
What? - I saw that.
What? - Think I didn't see that in my own home?
Saw what?
Kenny, you apologize to your sister.
Apologize for what?
For what you just did.
I didn't do shit!
(gasps) What if Maddy heard you?
Maddy is not even here. Well, she's somewhere around here.
And little kids, they hear everything.
You think they can't, but they can.
Come on, Erin. With the mouth your ex had on him?
I told you. I told you I didn't want to talk about it
'cause I didn't want to ruin Thanksgiving.
I told him, Mom. I told him.
(sighs)
What?
Fuck!
I heard that.
The hell you did.
I'll tell Mom. - Go right ahead,
you little toad.
I'll box your ears so hard
your brains will come out of your nose.
I can get you in trouble
anytime I want.
Ooh.
Big words from a micro-midget.
My dad
called.
Yeah, we got that.
Sorry, I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.
Ever wonder how I became the good uncle?
You're crazy talking to Maddy like that.
Nah, she digs it.
We're buds.
Erin will tie you to a tree
and cut your guts out.
From the looks of it, Mom might help.
Well, somewhere there's an eight-year-old little boy
depending on me to keep Maddy
from becoming an Erin clone.
# #
I really like what Erin's done with the place.
What happened to the furniture?
She nuked it.
Couldn't handle sitting on the couch
she shared with him!
(cat mewing)
It's probably at the dumpster with the turkey.
(both laughing)
(laughing): What the hell are we going to eat?
I don't know. Beats me.
Oh, God.
Too bad
she didn't get rid of that thing.
Tinkerbell--
the other white meat.
(mewing) I know it.
Where-where are
the yams? I don't see the yams.
Where? Where? I don't see...
Hey, calm down.
KENNY: That's the no-freaking-yams options.
Knock it off, Kenny!
DOTTIE: Kenny, don't taunt your sister.
You find the yams.
Everybody breathe.
I can't eat here.
Where am I supposed to put my food?
I'm going to be wearing it.
You'll be fine.
We always have Thanksgiving at our house.
Argus is fine.
God, are these the yams?
Of course they're the yams.
Don't pay any attention to him.
DOTTIE: He could never tell the yams.
ERIN: Okay,
who wants to start?
Well...
MADDY/BRIAN/KENNY: I'm thankful
for my family. - for my family.
You say that every year, Grandma.
Well, I guess I'm just the lucky one.
Brian...? - Oh.
I am...
um...
I'm glad to be home.
Don't make any hasty decisions there, Brian.
Frank.
(cat mewing) He's coming for me,
Dottie.
Just ignore him, honey.
Well,
hello, Tinky Winky.
Give me an excuse.
ERIN: Dad, don't tease Tinky!
What about you, sweetheart?
What are you thankful for?
Macaroni and cheese would be pretty good right about now.
Some comfortable chairs would be pretty good
right about now.
Joke all you want,
but when things got tough for me this year,
my family was there for me.
And that's what it's about.
Being there for your family.
So you going to do the right thing?
You know, Erin,
it's just not my responsibility.
Really?
I mean...
don't you think you should live your own life?
Well, it's not much of a life, if you ask me.
How would you know?
Listen, You're never even around.
Erin...
I am sorry about your divorce.
No, no.
Hear me out.
And I am sorry that Dad had to fire him.
But I cannot
run the shop. I just can't.
Run the shop?
You'd hate running the shop.
I know, that's what I'm saying.
Didn't Kenny talk to you?
A-R-G-U-S.
T-H-E D-O-G?
What about him?
Oh. - Yeah.
Oh, what a relief.
I thought you wanted me
to run Dad's business,
but all you really want me to do is euthanize his dog.
You're not here every day like I am.
You don't see
what it's doing to them.
So you do it.
Like you said, you're here every day.
It's not like you'd be...
killing him.
How do you figure that?
Brian, you've seen him.
He's more than ready to go.
Just help him out
like that... like that doctor.
But that doctor doesn't wait
for everybody to look the other way
to pull the plug. - You know,
I'm really surprised at your attitude.
I thought you would want to help Mom and Dad.
DOTTIE: Everything all right in here?
Yeah.
Brian's, uh, being a big help.
And we're very proud of your writing.
And don't you ever forget that.
Okay.
Now drive safe
and make sure that doesn't go to waste, okay?
Oh, we're going to be nibbling on it all weekend.
And digesting it all week.
Dad! I can't believe you did that!
I'm going to be out here looking for him all night.
You and the coyotes. - Nice.
Real nice. - Kenny and I will...
find him, right? - Yeah.
Okay, you go inside.
Your brothers will find him.
That was a lovely, lovely night.
I'm awful proud of you. - Thanks, Mom.
Okay, sweetie, go inside now. - Okay.
Stupid cat.
We're not really going to look for Tinkerbell, are we?
I'll give you a hundred bucks
if you bring him to me.
(mewing)
See him?
KENNY: There he is.
Come here, you little
Tinkerbell, you little... nice kitty.
Come here. Come on.
Come on.
Nice kitty-kitty.
We all set?
Good...
(car alarm blaring)
(dog barking in distance)
# #
85.
86.
# ...I'm gonna find me a new one... #
87.
What was our record?
482.
You fumbled our chance at 500.
Yeah, but it was a bad throw.
Yeah, to you.
So?
You want to go for the record.
Or a beer run?
# ...but now my crying's offended #
Oops.
Good choice.
Her name is Allison Harper, by the way.
Who? - The little cutie
that works the cash register at the store.
Whatever. - That Brian loves.
Not.
That he wants to kiss on her little face.
You're practically a regular.
Hey. - Hi.
What are you doing here on Thanksgiving anyway?
I know. It's pathetic.
I know.
Almost as bad as one of these families
that gets the turkey in the box.
Yeah, what was that about?
It's possible my family
might not be as functional as they seem?
Possible.
Okay.
So what are you doing here on Thanksgiving?
I get double time if I work on Thanksgiving.
My folks just split up
and just feels like
the rest of my family kind of did, too.
That's it? - That's it.
What I owe you?
Uh, seven even is fine.
(clears throat)
Thank you.
You ever go to the fair?
No.
I mean, I haven't in a while.
But I'm going to go this year.
Here you go.
Well, maybe I'll see you there.
Do you want a bag for this? - No.
Uh...
I read your book.
You read...
my book?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Science fiction's--
it's amazing, you know.
You kind of feel like you're in this whole other world.
No.
No?
You didn't read my book.
Not science fiction?
It's all right.
Um, it's not the kind of book that people read.
What do you mean?
The pictures?
Um, there's some diagrams.
Like a... like
a graphic... artist?
Yeah, but I don't...
I just write the words.
That nobody reads.
Nothing like coming home a success.
(both laughing)
Sorry.
Hey, did you just lie to me?
Would you just ask her out so I can pay for my stuff?
I got to go.
Uh, but maybe I will see you tomorrow at the fair.
Is that your dad's car?
It's my brother's.
(door opens)
Have fun.
Think this is a violation of the open container law?
I doubt it.
Are you ready for the game?
I don't know.
It's... been a while.
Too bad there's not a national D-ball league.
We could turn pro.
When was the last time you and I had a serious conversation?
Why would you want to do that?
I mean, is...
is that how you are with your friends?
(chuckling)
What makes you think I have any friends?
I just want to know
if this is how you are around other people
or if it's just how you deal with the family.
Why the Spanish Inquisition?
I was picturing you and Erin.
I'm trying to picture you with other people.
No family around.
Yeah?
How'd we look?
I don't know.
That's why I'm asking.
(chuckles) It's like quantum physics.
If you observe us, we feel your influence
and we get spun into the family order.
I don't want to observe you.
I'm just asking a question.
I don't know, Bri.
I guess you'd have to ask my friends.
Don't forget to lock up.
(car zooming in distance)
(humming quietly)
Thinking about your new book?
No.
I was thinking about Aunt Sharon.
Oh.
You didn't tell us,
and we didn't even get to go to the funeral.
Children aren't expected to go to funerals, honey.
We're far from children, Mom.
Well, we all had enough to worry about.
Erin with the divorce and you with your new book and...
Kenny with...
I-I just now realize
that I don't even really know
what happened to Grandpa, and I...
Well, honey, you were just a baby.
No, I was in high school.
Yeah, you were all at very difficult ages.
Look, Mom...
I'm just wondering... I mean, you and Dad
are getting older, and I just want
to make sure that... - Brian,
I don't know what you're going on about, honey.
Isn't it time to go?
You ready?
I don't know, Mom. Are you?
Why don't you just take these into the kitchen
and check on your father.
(panting softly)
What's that?
Oh, it's, uh...
I really don't know what it is.
Dr. Morrow prescribed it.
I never could understand people who don't have pets.
I read this article once said that, uh...
dogs are little freeloaders
that we're all suckers for having.
Whoever wrote it never had one.
You got that right.
Here, you do it.
Make sure he doesn't choke.
(chuckles)
(woman speaking indistinctly over P.A.)
ALLISON: Brian.
Hi. - Hey.
Hi.
Got a day off, huh?
Yeah.
Thought it might be nice for us
to see each other without exchanging money.
(laughs)
Sorry about that whole thing with your book.
You and my publisher
and... my dad.
I see your dad a lot, you know.
More than I do.
So...
(sighs)
Do you like fairs?
Uh...
There's this thing I got to do with my family.
It's sort of, um...
a goofy, embarrassing tradition.
Right. I know.
I know.
My dad kept the game stats.
Oh, God. - You're one of the all-time
high scorers.
Okay, now you're scaring me.
Yeah? - Yeah, now I'm scared.
(donkeys braying)
Hi.
You ready? - Yeah.
(donkey braying)
A longtime D-ball tradition returns,
as the Millers defend their title
against the Worthingtons.
And I think this year,
we have a game on our hands.
(cheering)
(whistle blowing) # You went back #
# To the circus #
(braying)
(whistle blowing, crowd cheering)
Let's see if the Worthingtons can finally regain the title.
(whistle blowing)
# But we didn't waste our time #
(whistle blowing, crowd cheering)
(braying)
No, that was a foul!
# Hey, hey #
(groaning)
# And for those who never left #
(crowd cheering)
The Millers are on their game tonight.
# Don't you know this dream is dead #
What a pass by Frank to Kenny.
(loud braying)
(crowd cheering)
# You held your breath all through high school #
# You ain't my teacher # (whistle blowing)
Foul. Two shots.
Kenny at the line for two shots.
I got this. - Nice job, buddy.
I got this.
Yeah!
(cheering)
(donkey braying)
One more, one more.
Put this thing away now.
(crowd cheering)
# Oh, tell me what did #
# You expect? #
Story of my life. - Sorry, Dad.
If I did everything half right, I'd be a happy man.
Now, let's put these bozos away.
Brian in-bounds, you head for the basket.
I'll hit you on the fly.
Dad... - You can do it.
Just make an opening. We'll be there, right?
Let's go.
All right.
# Oh, I've grown #
Five seconds remain.
# Through love and death #
(crowd cheering)
(cheering) # Oh, I've grown #
# Through love and death. #
Whoo!
(cheering, whooping continue)
DOTTIE: As though you've been playing KENNY: You were right.
every week now. - You were right.
And then Dad said, "You can do it.
Just make an opening."
(all laugh)
You're quiet.
I don't want to ruin it.
You couldn't.
Sweet.
Wrong, but sweet.
DOTTIE: Would you do it? Would you try it, honey?
KENNY: Go get it. Go get it.
(laughter) Yeah.
Coming home for Christmas?
What's it to you?
Oh, please, get a stable.
Grandma says it's picture time.
It's picture time.
Yeah, let's go.
Everybody ready?
Say, "Jackass!"
ALL: Jackass!
(camera shutter clicks)
(door creaking)
Next time, I should. - You're the man.
No, it's, "You da man." - You... da man.
No, you da man. (chuckling): That's what I said.
No, but then I say it back to you. - Huh?
(laughs) Wait, wait, wait.
Where... where's Argus?
What do you mean? - Here, hold this.
I'm sure he's fine, Dad.
Well, don't just stand there. Come on!
You want to go check upstairs?
Argus! - Dad, I'm sure he's fine.
Argus!
Argus?
Argus!
Argus?
Argus.
He's not in here, Dad.
Ar... Ar... Argus!
Argus?
BRIAN: Hey, Dad, he's here!
Where? Where? Where? Where?
(whimpering lightly) Where?
What the hell is he doing in there?
Oh...
Watch out, Victoria's Secret.
Our next model is Argus,
wearing something just a little bit naughty.
FRANK: God Almighty, Kenny.
What's wrong with you?
Is everything a joke to you?
He's just being Kenny.
You know, that's how he deals.
That's just it. He doesn't deal.
Well, he must have learned it from someone.
We had a pretty good run of it, didn't we, buddy?
Let's go.
I'm busy right now.
With?
Getting Argus some training wheels.
Come on.
Is it some sort of brotherly bonding thing?
Because I'm a little maxed out on that for today.
Now!
What are you, on some kind of word budget?
Let's go! Now! Come on.
Fine.
Can I help you find something?
Yes. My brother is looking for condoms.
Aisle 7A.
And good for you.
Give me some rubber bands, will you?
Hey, Brian,
if you get the right-sized condoms,
you won't need the rubber bands!
Brian Worthington!
(beep)
BRIAN: Let me ask you something. - What?
Do you ever...
Have you ever...
thought of Mom and Dad as just people?
Like you said, none of us knows how the others are
outside of the freak show.
What if...
we're part of the reason it's a freak show?
Maybe we should try not to think of them
as just parents.
The alternative being?
Maybe like some kind of friends or something.
Weird... friends.
Do you have anything for schizophrenia?
All right, fine.
Good night.
Open that.
And... hold that flat.
# I'm going down to Mexico #
# And I'm... I'm never comin' back... #
Damn, bra, you really gonna do this?
It's what you wanted, right?
Not in my car.
Man, I am not comfortable
in this situation.
It's not about you, Kenny.
You could have told me what you were up to.
Man. Hope this doesn't become
some sort of weird family tradition.
Why?
Afraid you'll be next?
I'll guess we'll have to figure out
something pretty special for Christmas.
# Silent night... #
Yeah, bra, I...
You're creeping me out.
You don't even sound like yourself.
I'm sorry.
It's my first homicide.
Man.
Actually, you're right.
Technically, it would be a caninicide?
That's it.
I'm locking the bedroom door tonight. - Good.
That'd be better.
No witnesses.
# And make the same mistake again #
# I take... #
WOMAN (on TV): What do you care if I stay or go?
I need the car...
Well, I'm gonna go to bed.
Good night, honey.
Good night, Ma.
Good night, sweetheart.
Good night, Ma.
You should get to bed, honey.
You look very tired.
# And the fact that you've been back and forth... #
Well, guess I'm gonna head to bed, too.
Sleep well.
# And you know your heart's not... #
Is that a valediction or an epitaph?
Don't forget to lock the door.
He was a quiet boy who kept mostly to himself.
# #
(crickets chirping)
MAN (on TV): The Martians were fighting for their own survival.
Their planet was growing so cold and inhospitable
that they might perish if they remained...
Argus?
Ar... gus?
Oh, no.
Argus?
(panting)
Shit!
Damn it! Lily!
Open!
Come on, Lily. Cough it up!
Open your mouth!
Brian?
Everything all right?
Um... I was, uh...
I was, uh, checking on Argus, and...
(sighs)
And Lily snuck up on me and scared the hell out of me.
She doesn't like to be left out.
It's just... I mean, cone and, like...
Are you just now going to sleep?
No. I fell asleep on the couch.
Oh.
I always feel like I miss something
when that happens.
Know what I mean?
What's the matter?
Mom, uh...
I think Argus is, uh...
I mean...
I see.
Maybe I should go wake up Dad.
Oh, I don't know.
You can't call the vet at this hour.
Mom?
What?
He's dead. - No, no.
I mean, to pick him up and... and take him.
I'm gonna go wake up Dad. - No, no, no, no.
I don't want him to see Argus like this.
Maybe he should. Maybe...
Maybe we should leave it up to him.
No. He's been through enough already.
All the more reason.
You don't understand
what it's like between your father and Argus.
I-I do understand.
He was more like
another son than...
You don't know how hard this has been.
What a relief.
(sighs)
(sighing)
I'm gonna go and wake your father.
Bye.
(sighs)
Yeah, I've been saying good-bye to him every day
just in case.
(sighing)
What's going on?
(whispers): Argus... passed.
That quick?
FRANK: Yeah. Seems that way, doesn't it?
Yeah.
He's here the one minute, and then, the next...
I guess it's not a bad way to go.
In your sleep.
Sorry you had to be the one to find him.
DOTTIE: What do you think
we should do with...?
I mean,
with the...?
A... funeral.
What?
I think we should have
a funeral for Argus.
I mean, it would...
It's your choice, Dad.
He was... He was
your dog, but I...
I think we should have a funeral.
DOTTIE: Frank.
You-You... You don't have to.
What are you doing?
We both know it was Brianic intervention.
It's natural causes. - I don't buy it.
I don't believe you.
He was already gone. - Right.
So Argus just chose that moment? - I guess
you'll have to wait for the autopsy report.
And what's with the funeral, Brian?
They didn't even tell us when Aunt Sharon died.
And what about Grandma? And what about Grandpa?
Do you remember anything about when they died?
No, I don't.
But you're trying to make up for lost time
by having a funeral for a dog.
Dad
is having a funeral for Argus.
Funny... because I don't remember
Dad coming up with that idea.
Don't mess with this, Kenny.
I mean it.
Whatever.
Who put you in charge anyway?
All of you did.
# #
See you, buddy.
(vehicle approaching)
(brakes screeching)
Nice helmet.
(laughs)
Mom. Shh.
Sorry I'm late.
All right, I'm going to go take a nap.
Um, it's a pile of dirt.
It's symbolism.
Nice helmet.
How's Dad doing?
Dad... is Dad.
I think I'll put on another record.
(sleeve hits floor)
Why don't you get some of this, too?
Kenny,
will you have some green beans?
No, thanks. I'll have another roll, though.
(chuckling): I suppose that's your idea of a vegetable, isn't it?
Thanks.
Which one of you killed my dog?
I know it wasn't you. You weren't here.
I was with Mommy.
I know you were, sweetheart.
Frank... - All three of you know
the pretzel routine.
Which of you put this into one?
Nobody killed Argus, Dad.
Is that right?
He died of natural causes, huh?
Yeah, he did.
Well, then, can you explain
how this got into one of his pretzel nuggets?
'Cause I put it there, and not just that one.
I had a whole plateful, and, um...
I went in last night,
and I was going to give them to him, but when I got there,
he was already gone.
Brian...
Whoa, saved by the closing bell.
Would you have done it?
I had gotten that far.
Pointing a rifle
and pulling the trigger
are two different things.
Dad, it wasn't just Brian.
I was involved, too.
I mean, I wasn't in the den with him, but...
I was still involved.
Erin, would you take Maddy into the next room, honey?
No, we're, we're going to stay.
Erin.
Mom.
What about you, Dottie? What...?
Frank, I... BRIAN: It wasn't them, Dad.
It was just me.
Well, why this one?
What?
This one-- why this one and not another one?
I don't know.
I figured that would have done the trick.
He never would have gotten this down.
I used...
a prescription sleeping pill.
You what?
After doing some research
on the... on the Web.
It's amazing what you can find out there.
Kind of scary, actually.
But Frank, you...
He was my dog, Dottie, my dog.
It was time,
but he wouldn't go
on his own, and I didn't...
I couldn't let anyone else do it.
I'll allow that...
you had my best interests in mind, but you...
I hope you'll forgive me if I don't thank you.
All right.
# #
Brian.
Mom, I just got to get it off my...
Just make an opening for him.
Remember Eddie Tyler?
That little toad
that kept falling out of the treehouse?
It's amazing he never got hurt.
(chuckles) He used to say that
he... wishes his dad was like...
my dad.
Well, that's probably because
I was the one that, uh, picked him up
and, uh, dusted him off.
Whatever happened to him anyway?
After jail?
(chuckles)
He, uh,
moved away. We lost touch.
Well,
I don't know. Maybe that's... not so bad...
...for your childhood friends to...
always be children.
What about your own kids?
Seems like it would be easier once they got older.
You know, not having all that...
responsibility.
You always feel
the responsibility.
It's only the influence that goes away,
and the aura.
You think it's yours, but then
eventually you realize that, uh,
it comes from your children.
You don't get to keep it forever.
One day they see you in all your flawed
and limited glory,
and they withdraw it.
One by one, y-you, you turned into people,
and God help me, I didn't know what to do with you.
Maybe you don't have to do anything.
Oh, just, just be supportive, be there for you?
Is tha... is that how they say it, huh?
I don't know how to be anything to you
but your father. - You stopped being my father
when I stopped being a kid,
and that is not how it works.
Well, are you an expert on fatherhood now?
No.
But I know that you wanted it back.
You wanted it back.
Like the way we were when we were little.
You wanted it so much.
I replaced you.
You think I didn't know?
Well, maybe-- I guess, maybe,
uh, I didn't for a while.
Not till Argus started to...
They never grow up.
They can't.
But you lose them, too.
DOTTIE: Brian?
Honey, would you give
Kenny a hand?
I'll be right there, Mom.
Got it? - Yeah.
So, what'd he say?
He said, uh...
You know what?
He said he was proud of you.
He said he was proud of me?
For what?
Well, for sticking up for me.
Dad said that?
Pretty much.
Put that away.
Sure.
(sneezes) (whimpers)
Brian.
Is Dad okay?
Yeah, Dad's fine.
Yeah.
He said it was amazing
how you toughed it out with your family.
Dad said that?
About me?
Mmm, pretty much.
You can't make this stuff up, can you?
Don't forget your jars, kids.
Hey.
What?
What's with you two?
Nothing.
Not a thing.
I got yours, little miss.
And Maddy's favorite.
Oh, that one's for Kenny.
Well, honey,
they're all the same.
Okay.
Thanks, Mom.
Yeah, thanks.
Well...
this has been such a nice visit.
Yep.
A little dry.
I would have used a more conversational style.
And the dedication's a little psycho.
Truly, deeply scared.
What's scary is that she's right.
How would you know?
No way.
Hey, you're my bro.
Now you're creeping me out.
Well, if it was any consolation,
I didn't enjoy it.
ERIN: I'll be right there, baby.
All right, sugar.
Kenneth.
Was he always like that?
Pretty much.
So?
You think Dad's going to sell the shop?
No.
Can't run it by himself forever.
You're not the only that used to work there
during the summers.
Maddy's in third grade.
She's at school all day, and, well...
I drive a truck.
You know, it makes total sense somehow.
You think?
Are you all buckled in?
Yeah. - Nice.
So...
give me a call, you little weirdo.
What for?
Whatever.
Are you done corrupting my child?
Nope. I'm just getting started.
Well...
Whoa. - Oh, whatever.
That's fine.
No, just give me a little warning.
(sighs)
I'm ready. (laughs)
All right.
So... you're taking over the shop?
Maybe.
Cool.
Call me if you need any help.
Thanks.
Thanks!
Heard you the first time.
Right.
Hey, Dad...
Redskins are playing
tonight.
Should be a good game.
Yeah.
Should be. Should be.
Bye, sweetheart.
I love you.
I love you, too.
I'm proud of you.
# #
(sighs)
# It's hard to breathe in the city #
# It's easier to drink #
# Come in my house #
# We'll sit in the dark #
# And try not to think #
# About the green fields #
# The way the land feels
# All we left behind #
# Oh, how a dream... #
ANSWERING MACHINE: Message one.
FRANK: Hey, hey, Brian?
Um... I-I wanted to let you know that the Redskins won.
Yeah, they went into overtime, but they pulled it off.
So, um...
okay, bye.
(beeps)
# ...in the ground #
# Silently... #
BRIAN: I love you, too, Dad.
# ...I fall too far down #
# Tear me #
# A hole in the ground #
# Oh #
# Tear me #
# From my hometown #
# Dig me #
# A hole in the ground #
# Silently #
# I fall so far down #
# Tear me #
# A hole in the ground #
# Oh #
# And it's hard to breathe in the city #
# It's easier to drink #
# So come to my house #
# We'll sit in the dark #
# And try not to think. #
# #
# I got my papers in order #
# Gonna find me a new love #
# Gonna find me a new love now #
# I got my papers in order #
# Gonna find me a new love #
# Gonna find me a new love now #
# I cried all I could afford #
# But now my crying time's ending #
# That's the message I'm sending out #
# I got my papers in order #
# Gonna find me a new love #
# Gonna find me a new love now #
# Well, everybody's got their own excuses #
# I know I've had mine, too #
# But I'm not gonna let a few bumps and bruises #
# Keep me from breaking through #
# I got my papers in order #
# Gonna find me a new love #
# Gonna find me a new love now #
# I got my papers in order #
# Gonna find me a new love #
# Gonna find me a new love now #
(electric guitar solo)
# #
# I got my papers in order #
# Gonna find me a new love #
# Gonna find me a new love... #
Subtitles by LeapinLar